


hornswoggled

by NorvelTwonk



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Remus Lupin, Dramatic Sirius Black, Drunk James Potter, Drunk Sirius Black, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, James Potter Loves Being Pegged, James Potter is Extremely A Bottom, Long-Suffering Remus Lupin, M/M, One Shot, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Top Lily Evans Potter, Tragically Heterosexual James Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27063793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorvelTwonk/pseuds/NorvelTwonk
Summary: Remus and Sirius jerked their heads in unison to stare at James. Lily’s eyes, peeking brightly from between her fingers, were round. James looked back at them all in cheerful drunken confusion.“What did I say?” he asked.“Youknow?”Sirius asked, baffled. “Jamie, you’re straighter than an arrow! We checked! What do youmeanyou know what it’s like to take it up the arse?”
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 159





	hornswoggled

Remus fell off the sofa, sides aching with laughter as Sirius went on. 

“There’s nothing like it, you know!” he said too-loudly, waving his empty glass for emphasis. Lily was covering her flushed face with her hands, giggling madly. 

“Yeah, I do know!” James replied, banging the flat of his hand on the table. “Hear, hear!”

“What?”

Remus and Sirius jerked their heads in unison to stare at James. Lily’s eyes, peeking brightly from between her fingers, were round. James looked back at them all in cheerful drunken confusion.

“What did I say?” he asked.

“You _know?”_ Sirius asked, baffled. “Jamie, you’re straighter than an arrow! We checked! What do you _mean_ you know what it’s like to take it up the arse?”

Lily’s fingers closed, covering her face completely. Remus noticed this and, though drunk, he was connecting some data points and coming up with an answer rather fast.

“Straight men can like it up the arse!” James replied hotly. “Just because I’m not interested in blokes doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good!”

“That’s not the _point,_ mate, although absolutely Outstanding for your open-mindedness,” Sirius said, still waving his empty glass. “The _point_ is, _who_ is buggering you up the ar—”

Remus managed to make elbow-to-leg contact on his second swing, halting Sirius’ flow of words too late to make his point. Lily’s face, or what he could see of it around the edges, had gone a rather alarming shade of red.

“What goes on between a man and his wife—”

“We’re not married,” Lily said from behind her hands.

“A man and his fiancee—”

“You haven’t actually proposed,” Remus pointed out helpfully. He had gone with James to the muggle jewelry shop to pick out the ring, as a point of fact, and had checked Lily’s hand when arriving earlier that evening to see if the ruby-and-diamond band had been put to use. 

James waved his hands, brushing away these finer points. “What goes on between _two consenting adults_ is not the business of anyone else, is it, is what I’m trying to say!”

It was at this point that Sirius connected the dots; Remus would allow him the delay based on the truly impressive amount of firewhisky currently sloshing around Sirius’s body.

“ARE YOU SAYING THAT _LILY—”_

“Keep your voice down!” Remus said, reaching for Sirius’s leg and missing. 

“Our sweet Lily is _giving it to you up the arse?”_ Sirius continued in a whispered shout.

James glanced at his not-yet-affianced, realizing that he had perhaps revealed too much. Lily, face still quite red, looked at Sirius.

“Yes,” she said, “that is exactly what he’s saying.”

Sirius dropped his glass as he clapped his hands with glee. Remus, sitting on the floor below him, managed to catch it before it went smash. 

“Oh _Prongs,”_ Sirius whispered rapturously, “good for you! And _Lils,_ my darling, you must tell me absolutely everything, I need to know—”

“No you don’t,” Remus said, clambering up off the floor and back onto the sofa to clap his free hand over Sirius’s mouth. “You do not need a single further detail, my love.”

Sirius reared back. “I absolutely do!”

“Let me rephrase,” Remus said, looking over at Lily. _“I_ do not need a single further detail, especially when we are all as drunk as we are.”

Lily mouthed a _thank you._ James slapped his hand on the tabletop again. 

“We’re not drunk!” James said. He looked around, then down at himself. “Well, Lily’s not drunk. I might be.”

“I definitely am!” Sirius replied cheerfully. “I’m _soused.”_

“Clobbered.”

“Soaked.”

Lily and Remus were sharing a tipsy look of commiseration as their partners volleyed synonyms for drunk back and forth.

“Bludgered.”

“Snozzled.”

“Hornswoggled!”

“Ooh, nice one, Prongsy!”

Sirius lurched up from his sprawl on the sofa to hold up his hand for a high-five, which failed mainly because James was taking a long drink to finish off his glass of firewhisky. 

“You’ve left me hanging,” Sirius complained. Lily rolled her eyes and leaned over to give him a high-five. “Thanks, angel, you’re the best friend my best friend could ever have left me for.”

Remus could see James’s lips moving as he tried to work through the sentence.

“Aw, thanks, Pads,” Lily said, “if I have to share custody of him, I’m glad it’s with you.”

She gave Remus a grinning eye-roll where Sirius couldn’t see, which sent him into a paroxysm of silent laughter. 

“And next time we get together, Jamie, we can swap tips about bottoming!” Sirius went on cheerfully. “I want to know everything, and since these two are cowards, we’ll just have to wait for them to be, to be, uh.. to be not in the room.”

 _“Lovely,”_ Lily said. “Now they’ll be conspiring against us, Remus, whatever shall we do?”

He heaved a breath between laughs to reply. “We’ll just have to be extra-firm in bed, Lils.” He could feel his ears getting hot, but the amount of alcohol in his system was a bolster to his bravado. “Seeing as how we’re the ones giving it to them.”

She went off in a fit of giggles. James had a look on his face that telegraphed clearly how he was only just realizing the implications of telling their friends about his enjoyment of being pegged. 

“Speaking of which,” Sirius said archly, holding himself upright against the wall. “Moony, love, come take me home, would you? I’d love for you to 'give it to me,' as you say.”

“Oh for Merlin’s _sake,”_ Remus said, “you’re shameless is what you are.”

“And you love it,” Sirius said, tossing his hair dramatically.

Remus traded a long-suffering look with Lily as he got up. She grinned back.

“I’ll light the Floo for you,” she said. “You’re not fit to fly.”

“I’ll nip round in the morning for our brooms,” Remus agreed. “Thanks for having us, Lils.”

“Any time,” she said, giving Remus a kiss on the cheek. “You know where to find me.”

James had gone to hug Sirius and it had somehow morphed into the two dark-haired men leaning their heads close together, whispering furiously. 

“Sorry about Padfoot outing you,” Remus said quietly. 

Lily shrugged. “I’m still tipsy enough not to mind. It would’ve come out at some point, James really cannot shut up about how much he loves it.”

“I heard that!” James said, coming over behind her to slide his arms around Lily’s hips and bury his face in her neck. She reached a hand up to comb through his hair. 

“He really does love it,” she stage-whispered to Remus. 

“I cannot believe he’s straight,” Sirius said, swanning over to drape himself over Remus. “The world lost a powerful homosexual in James Potter.”

“If he weren’t straight, you’d never have looked at me twice, love,” Remus told him, patting his arm. “So forgive me for not weeping.”

“My gain as well,” Lily said. “You’re the only one who’s sad about it, Padfoot.”

“Take me home and console me at once,” Sirius said theatrically into Remus’s hair.

“We’ll see you later,” Lily said, picking up her wand and lighting the fire with a flick. “Give my love to Wormtail if you see him.”

“Will do,” Remus said. “Come on, Pads, into the Floo with you.”

“Farewell!” Sirius cried, leaping into the flames while calling out the Floo connection for his flat. 

“Bye!” James called back, still hanging off Lily. 

Remus gave them both a smile before taking off into the flames.

“Well,” Lily said into the sudden quiet. “I hope you’re happy with yourself. Sirius will never let go of the knowledge that you enjoy being pegged, you know.”

“I know,” James sighed into her neck. “Do you have hangover potion in the cupboard?”

“Of course I do,” Lily said. “Off to bed with you, then. You can contemplate the ramification of your actions in the morning.”

“That’s why I love you,” he said, pressing a wet kiss to her cheek. “Only you, Lily Evans, use words like ‘ramification’ when you’re drunk.”

She smiled, her cheek curving against his lips. “I love you too.”


End file.
